Wife Skill 6: Laundry

What's worse than doing laundry is not knowing how. What temperature to wash colors and whites, how much detergent and bleach to use per load, and even how to remove stains are among the things still unknown to some women. Here's some tips that will help you if doing your own laundry is a new experience for you.

• Sort your laundry- sort colors from darks and whites, towels and other lint producing items from those likely to attract lint.
• Check your pockets- for pens, money, little notes, napkins, gum, etc.
• Read the labels for important instructions! Instructions like how to wash or dry the clothes.
• Read directions on detergent as to how much to put in- because some are condensed so will not need as much!
• Set washer per wash- then start wash with detergent and let fill before putting clothes in, such as regular cycle for normal laundry and delicates for more delicate fabrics
• Wash items with decals, designs, beeds, etc. or clothes that attract a lot of lint inside out.
• Pre-treat stains with removal products before wash to maximize wash.
• Make sure to clean lint trap in dryer between cycles.
• For softer clothes use fabric softener sheets, and to avoid static use anti-static sheets.
• Hang dry delicates or shirts you think may shrink- better safe than sorry.
• Make sure NOT to dry items that will melt in dryer- items like fur on a down coat hood.
• Load of laundry differs due to some machines hold more. Don't stuff your washer but rather leave some room for water to circulate.
• Fabrics such as rayons, silks, and velvets take to a dry cleaner- once again, better safe than sorry!

Darks and Colors- Wash in cold water to avoid shrinkage, color bleeding, and color fading.

Whites- Wash in warm to hot for preshrunk cottons. To brighten with bleach, use a cup per load, pouring bleach in before clothes, but after water has mixed well with detergent.


Tough Stains- For wine stains, act quickly! If able to, soak in water and glycerin and rinse with cold water and vinegar. Act quickly with stains like ketchup, mustard, and blood, damping clothing with cold water as soon as possible and trying to lift the stain with soft sponge, soap, and water. For greese stains use a greese solvent and let dry; for chocolate and lipstick use a dry greese solvent, soap, and water to gently lift stain, followed by washing with a heavy detergent. For leather use club soda. Most food stains can be blotted with just soap, water, and a sponge.

Laundry Q & A:

How do you wash pillows?
Washing the pillows can cause them to lump up, however if washed on a low cycle followed by dryed under a delicates setting it can work fine. For more information check out this site:http://www.ehow.com/how_2134780_wash-bed-pillows.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art


Can you wash and dry your tennis shoes? 
This depends on the material of the shoe. If there is any form of gel in your tennis shoes it is best to not even macine wash them, let alone dry them. For basic trainers they can usually be washed, but I suggest to clean with a small throw away tooth brush for stains as the washer is not good for that but rather for the fabric. Shoes will usually not be soaked after washing and thus can be air dryed. If dryer safe you can dry but suggest only doing so on a dryer rack as in the dryer can damage the machine.

How do you wash hats or visors?
This can shrink the hat. It is better to try to resolve the stain by gently lifting rather to washing. Check out this website for more information on Baseball cap cleaning:
http://www.sport-smart.com/How-To-Wash-Baseball-Hats-and-Caps.asp 

How do I get gum off my clothes?
 To get gum off your clothes you can either use egg whites, or freeze the article of clothing, this will make the gum freeze and allow for you to peel it off. If you chose to freeze the clothing, don't pick the gum before hand! It will make removal difficult.


For more tips check out this website:
http://www.ehow.com/how_46_laundry.html?ref=Track2&utm_source=ask

Wife Skill 5: Communication

Part 1: Communicating to him that there is a problem in the relationship

This is an obvious one: men aren't mind readers. Because of this unfortunate fact, it's up to us women to voice our wants, desires, expectations, and concerns. In a perfect world, our men could look into our beautiful eyes, note our body language, and figure out what all the chatter in our heads is about; but that will never happen. However, with good communication skills, it is possible for them to get the picture.

When something is troubling me I think my boyfriend is cued in. But the truth is he doesn't know there is a problem unless I say there is. When something is bothering him he tells me, and he expects that if something is bothering me that I do the same. It sounds simple, but the problem I have expressing myself stems from the fear that when I do talk about an issue it will lead to an argument. Thankfully, there are good communication tools that can help me get my feelings out there without it leading to right/wrong battle.  

Here are some tips from a lecture marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf gave on communication:

• When an issue comes up, address it in a timely manner. Stuffing concerns builds resentments, and if stuffed too long can come out at an inappropriate time.
• When trying to address the issue, DO NOT and I mean DO NOT say, "We need to talk." These words are scary words for men and will cause for them to get tense and feel pressure.
• When having a serious conversation with men it's important for them to feel relaxed. When they are relaxed they feel safe and the conversation will flow easier. Because of this, talk with them in a comfortable setting, and at a time when their not already involved in doing something.
• Tell the truth. Being completely honest without any manipulation will only aid in coming to an effective solution.
• Describe specific behaviors and actions.
• Say how you interpret what you see and hear. Remember that everything is opinion and that he may have a completely interpretation of whats been going on. Because of this, AVOID blaming. It will not help.
• Say what you feel. Use non confrontational statements like, "I feel ___ when you ___."
• Say what you want: for you, for him, for the both of you. Men are problem solvers, so they work well with statements like this, "What if we did ___ about this situation?"
• Clarify the meaning of your actions and behaviors.

Part 2: Communicating issues that don't involve him

Women like to talk problems out while men like to think them. This, however, does not mean that men don't like to talk or that they won't listen to you talk about your problems. In fact, beacuse men are problem solvers they often have good insight when trying to find a solution. But they don't always want to hear the same problems over and over. I suppose no one does, but more so men.

Just last night I and been talking to my boyfriend about something someone did that disappointed me. This person has been disappointing me for a while, so this was not a new topic of conversation. Being really upset when this happens I often cry and it's obvious that this person really hurts my feelings. My boyfriend told me he didn't want to hear about the things this person does to me unless it happens to be detrimental. He admitted he that this may be a dickhead thing to say, but this is how it has to be.

Naturally my feelings were really hurt and I felt he was being extremely insensitive. It is true that I have friends that I can talk to about these issues, but I'd like to share them with my boyfriend so he'd know whats going on with me. I know it's important in marriages to do these things, so I couldn't see why my boyfriend was interested in hearing me out. I've figured out that there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. The redundant topic has been taking a wear on him. Getting upset over the same things, time after time, had begun to make him upset. Sharing those feelings with me were hurting him and inevitably would hurt our relationship if it continued.
2. My reactions to being disappointed were taking a wear on him. "Studies have shown that men react to strong emotions more physically than women do. Their blood pressure goes up, their hearts race, and it takes much longer for their bodies to return to normal once the crisis has passes them than it does for women. Because of this, men's brains subconsciously urge them to stay away from strong emotion- because it's physically dangerous."- http://earthlingcommunication.blogspot.com/

So as it turns out, he hadn't been insensitive or selfish; he had been considering my feelings after all. Continuing to get disappointed about these things had been like beating a dead horse. It made me realize its time to let go and move on. Moving on will save my tears, which he hates to see, and will give us the opportunity to discuss something more positive. I also realized that I need to accept the fact men are different from women. Him not liking to see me cry had been an example of this, not of his insensitivity. If I care for him and want the relationship to move forward, which I do, I have to be accepting of this fact.

Wife Skill 4: Negotiation

“If you can’t go around it, over it, or through it, you had better negotiate with it”- Ashleigh Brilliant

" 'till death do you part" can be a rather frustrating promise when your not getting what you want out of the deal. This is where good negotiation skills can save the day. From negotiations around bills to parenting issues, there are many to be made in a marriage, and a successful one can not only provide a solution that is pleasing to both you and your husband, but strengthen your relationship too. Part of what good negotiation skills will help you with is clarifying your rights, desires, and goals in a positive way that will encourage you to be a good self advocate without stubbornly pushing your own ideas on your man.

To better understand the art of negotiation I caught up with marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf. Talking to him helped me to better grasp this very important skill.

"Negotiation in marriage... that means two people working together to find a mutual agreement that is satisfying or acceptable to both. The healthier negotiation is one that is more cooperative than compliance enforced," said Jim.

 I can testify barking orders has never worked for me, and hounding my men hasn't either. Trying to control has only made me lose any I might have had to begin with. In the end, no one got what they wanted or would have been satisfied with. "You can't decide for another person what their gonna do, you can only decide what you are going to do. You can try, but their just gonna sabotage it and bear resentments. In a healthy marriage each person recognizes the other's right to be respected and considered. Being in love is great but that doesn't necessarily make a marriage work; it's about a partnership and a friendship," said Jim.

Some tips for good negotiation:

• Talk with each other, fully listening to one anther's arguments without interrupting.
• Don't blame one another or engage in any "I'm right, your wrong" battles .
• Explore options.
• Be willing to consider the other's opinion and not stubbornly hold on to you own views
• Be honest.
• Take an emotional risk... you may be pleasantly surprised!
• Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever occur to you that??"
• Be open to the possibility that what you negotiated may have to be renegotiated.
• Do your best to separate interest and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity.
• Don't agree to anything you can't commit to.
• Pay close attention to your feelings.
• Have respect for your husbands and your pacing and readiness to make a decision.
• "Make every bargain clear and plain, that none may afterwards complain"- Greek Proverb