Wife Skill 5: Communication

Part 1: Communicating to him that there is a problem in the relationship

This is an obvious one: men aren't mind readers. Because of this unfortunate fact, it's up to us women to voice our wants, desires, expectations, and concerns. In a perfect world, our men could look into our beautiful eyes, note our body language, and figure out what all the chatter in our heads is about; but that will never happen. However, with good communication skills, it is possible for them to get the picture.

When something is troubling me I think my boyfriend is cued in. But the truth is he doesn't know there is a problem unless I say there is. When something is bothering him he tells me, and he expects that if something is bothering me that I do the same. It sounds simple, but the problem I have expressing myself stems from the fear that when I do talk about an issue it will lead to an argument. Thankfully, there are good communication tools that can help me get my feelings out there without it leading to right/wrong battle.  

Here are some tips from a lecture marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf gave on communication:

• When an issue comes up, address it in a timely manner. Stuffing concerns builds resentments, and if stuffed too long can come out at an inappropriate time.
• When trying to address the issue, DO NOT and I mean DO NOT say, "We need to talk." These words are scary words for men and will cause for them to get tense and feel pressure.
• When having a serious conversation with men it's important for them to feel relaxed. When they are relaxed they feel safe and the conversation will flow easier. Because of this, talk with them in a comfortable setting, and at a time when their not already involved in doing something.
• Tell the truth. Being completely honest without any manipulation will only aid in coming to an effective solution.
• Describe specific behaviors and actions.
• Say how you interpret what you see and hear. Remember that everything is opinion and that he may have a completely interpretation of whats been going on. Because of this, AVOID blaming. It will not help.
• Say what you feel. Use non confrontational statements like, "I feel ___ when you ___."
• Say what you want: for you, for him, for the both of you. Men are problem solvers, so they work well with statements like this, "What if we did ___ about this situation?"
• Clarify the meaning of your actions and behaviors.

Part 2: Communicating issues that don't involve him

Women like to talk problems out while men like to think them. This, however, does not mean that men don't like to talk or that they won't listen to you talk about your problems. In fact, beacuse men are problem solvers they often have good insight when trying to find a solution. But they don't always want to hear the same problems over and over. I suppose no one does, but more so men.

Just last night I and been talking to my boyfriend about something someone did that disappointed me. This person has been disappointing me for a while, so this was not a new topic of conversation. Being really upset when this happens I often cry and it's obvious that this person really hurts my feelings. My boyfriend told me he didn't want to hear about the things this person does to me unless it happens to be detrimental. He admitted he that this may be a dickhead thing to say, but this is how it has to be.

Naturally my feelings were really hurt and I felt he was being extremely insensitive. It is true that I have friends that I can talk to about these issues, but I'd like to share them with my boyfriend so he'd know whats going on with me. I know it's important in marriages to do these things, so I couldn't see why my boyfriend was interested in hearing me out. I've figured out that there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. The redundant topic has been taking a wear on him. Getting upset over the same things, time after time, had begun to make him upset. Sharing those feelings with me were hurting him and inevitably would hurt our relationship if it continued.
2. My reactions to being disappointed were taking a wear on him. "Studies have shown that men react to strong emotions more physically than women do. Their blood pressure goes up, their hearts race, and it takes much longer for their bodies to return to normal once the crisis has passes them than it does for women. Because of this, men's brains subconsciously urge them to stay away from strong emotion- because it's physically dangerous."- http://earthlingcommunication.blogspot.com/

So as it turns out, he hadn't been insensitive or selfish; he had been considering my feelings after all. Continuing to get disappointed about these things had been like beating a dead horse. It made me realize its time to let go and move on. Moving on will save my tears, which he hates to see, and will give us the opportunity to discuss something more positive. I also realized that I need to accept the fact men are different from women. Him not liking to see me cry had been an example of this, not of his insensitivity. If I care for him and want the relationship to move forward, which I do, I have to be accepting of this fact.