Wife Skill 4: Negotiation

“If you can’t go around it, over it, or through it, you had better negotiate with it”- Ashleigh Brilliant

" 'till death do you part" can be a rather frustrating promise when your not getting what you want out of the deal. This is where good negotiation skills can save the day. From negotiations around bills to parenting issues, there are many to be made in a marriage, and a successful one can not only provide a solution that is pleasing to both you and your husband, but strengthen your relationship too. Part of what good negotiation skills will help you with is clarifying your rights, desires, and goals in a positive way that will encourage you to be a good self advocate without stubbornly pushing your own ideas on your man.

To better understand the art of negotiation I caught up with marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf. Talking to him helped me to better grasp this very important skill.

"Negotiation in marriage... that means two people working together to find a mutual agreement that is satisfying or acceptable to both. The healthier negotiation is one that is more cooperative than compliance enforced," said Jim.

 I can testify barking orders has never worked for me, and hounding my men hasn't either. Trying to control has only made me lose any I might have had to begin with. In the end, no one got what they wanted or would have been satisfied with. "You can't decide for another person what their gonna do, you can only decide what you are going to do. You can try, but their just gonna sabotage it and bear resentments. In a healthy marriage each person recognizes the other's right to be respected and considered. Being in love is great but that doesn't necessarily make a marriage work; it's about a partnership and a friendship," said Jim.

Some tips for good negotiation:

• Talk with each other, fully listening to one anther's arguments without interrupting.
• Don't blame one another or engage in any "I'm right, your wrong" battles .
• Explore options.
• Be willing to consider the other's opinion and not stubbornly hold on to you own views
• Be honest.
• Take an emotional risk... you may be pleasantly surprised!
• Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever occur to you that??"
• Be open to the possibility that what you negotiated may have to be renegotiated.
• Do your best to separate interest and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity.
• Don't agree to anything you can't commit to.
• Pay close attention to your feelings.
• Have respect for your husbands and your pacing and readiness to make a decision.
• "Make every bargain clear and plain, that none may afterwards complain"- Greek Proverb