Wife Skill 5: Communication

Part 1: Communicating to him that there is a problem in the relationship

This is an obvious one: men aren't mind readers. Because of this unfortunate fact, it's up to us women to voice our wants, desires, expectations, and concerns. In a perfect world, our men could look into our beautiful eyes, note our body language, and figure out what all the chatter in our heads is about; but that will never happen. However, with good communication skills, it is possible for them to get the picture.

When something is troubling me I think my boyfriend is cued in. But the truth is he doesn't know there is a problem unless I say there is. When something is bothering him he tells me, and he expects that if something is bothering me that I do the same. It sounds simple, but the problem I have expressing myself stems from the fear that when I do talk about an issue it will lead to an argument. Thankfully, there are good communication tools that can help me get my feelings out there without it leading to right/wrong battle.  

Here are some tips from a lecture marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf gave on communication:

• When an issue comes up, address it in a timely manner. Stuffing concerns builds resentments, and if stuffed too long can come out at an inappropriate time.
• When trying to address the issue, DO NOT and I mean DO NOT say, "We need to talk." These words are scary words for men and will cause for them to get tense and feel pressure.
• When having a serious conversation with men it's important for them to feel relaxed. When they are relaxed they feel safe and the conversation will flow easier. Because of this, talk with them in a comfortable setting, and at a time when their not already involved in doing something.
• Tell the truth. Being completely honest without any manipulation will only aid in coming to an effective solution.
• Describe specific behaviors and actions.
• Say how you interpret what you see and hear. Remember that everything is opinion and that he may have a completely interpretation of whats been going on. Because of this, AVOID blaming. It will not help.
• Say what you feel. Use non confrontational statements like, "I feel ___ when you ___."
• Say what you want: for you, for him, for the both of you. Men are problem solvers, so they work well with statements like this, "What if we did ___ about this situation?"
• Clarify the meaning of your actions and behaviors.

Part 2: Communicating issues that don't involve him

Women like to talk problems out while men like to think them. This, however, does not mean that men don't like to talk or that they won't listen to you talk about your problems. In fact, beacuse men are problem solvers they often have good insight when trying to find a solution. But they don't always want to hear the same problems over and over. I suppose no one does, but more so men.

Just last night I and been talking to my boyfriend about something someone did that disappointed me. This person has been disappointing me for a while, so this was not a new topic of conversation. Being really upset when this happens I often cry and it's obvious that this person really hurts my feelings. My boyfriend told me he didn't want to hear about the things this person does to me unless it happens to be detrimental. He admitted he that this may be a dickhead thing to say, but this is how it has to be.

Naturally my feelings were really hurt and I felt he was being extremely insensitive. It is true that I have friends that I can talk to about these issues, but I'd like to share them with my boyfriend so he'd know whats going on with me. I know it's important in marriages to do these things, so I couldn't see why my boyfriend was interested in hearing me out. I've figured out that there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. The redundant topic has been taking a wear on him. Getting upset over the same things, time after time, had begun to make him upset. Sharing those feelings with me were hurting him and inevitably would hurt our relationship if it continued.
2. My reactions to being disappointed were taking a wear on him. "Studies have shown that men react to strong emotions more physically than women do. Their blood pressure goes up, their hearts race, and it takes much longer for their bodies to return to normal once the crisis has passes them than it does for women. Because of this, men's brains subconsciously urge them to stay away from strong emotion- because it's physically dangerous."- http://earthlingcommunication.blogspot.com/

So as it turns out, he hadn't been insensitive or selfish; he had been considering my feelings after all. Continuing to get disappointed about these things had been like beating a dead horse. It made me realize its time to let go and move on. Moving on will save my tears, which he hates to see, and will give us the opportunity to discuss something more positive. I also realized that I need to accept the fact men are different from women. Him not liking to see me cry had been an example of this, not of his insensitivity. If I care for him and want the relationship to move forward, which I do, I have to be accepting of this fact.

Wife Skill 4: Negotiation

“If you can’t go around it, over it, or through it, you had better negotiate with it”- Ashleigh Brilliant

" 'till death do you part" can be a rather frustrating promise when your not getting what you want out of the deal. This is where good negotiation skills can save the day. From negotiations around bills to parenting issues, there are many to be made in a marriage, and a successful one can not only provide a solution that is pleasing to both you and your husband, but strengthen your relationship too. Part of what good negotiation skills will help you with is clarifying your rights, desires, and goals in a positive way that will encourage you to be a good self advocate without stubbornly pushing your own ideas on your man.

To better understand the art of negotiation I caught up with marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf. Talking to him helped me to better grasp this very important skill.

"Negotiation in marriage... that means two people working together to find a mutual agreement that is satisfying or acceptable to both. The healthier negotiation is one that is more cooperative than compliance enforced," said Jim.

 I can testify barking orders has never worked for me, and hounding my men hasn't either. Trying to control has only made me lose any I might have had to begin with. In the end, no one got what they wanted or would have been satisfied with. "You can't decide for another person what their gonna do, you can only decide what you are going to do. You can try, but their just gonna sabotage it and bear resentments. In a healthy marriage each person recognizes the other's right to be respected and considered. Being in love is great but that doesn't necessarily make a marriage work; it's about a partnership and a friendship," said Jim.

Some tips for good negotiation:

• Talk with each other, fully listening to one anther's arguments without interrupting.
• Don't blame one another or engage in any "I'm right, your wrong" battles .
• Explore options.
• Be willing to consider the other's opinion and not stubbornly hold on to you own views
• Be honest.
• Take an emotional risk... you may be pleasantly surprised!
• Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever occur to you that??"
• Be open to the possibility that what you negotiated may have to be renegotiated.
• Do your best to separate interest and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity.
• Don't agree to anything you can't commit to.
• Pay close attention to your feelings.
• Have respect for your husbands and your pacing and readiness to make a decision.
• "Make every bargain clear and plain, that none may afterwards complain"- Greek Proverb

Wife Skill 3: Organization

Not to say men are unorganized, but typically they depend on their lady for keeping things neat and in order around the house. "Men are sloppy. After working an eight hour day on the job we don't want to return home only to spend another eight hours looking for something we need around the house," said Mike, a newly married and good friend of mine.


Mike makes a great point that even I can relate to. Many times I have found myself cursing around the house out of frustration because I can't find the pair of pants I've just washed, only to realize an hour or two later my dresser drawers had swallowed them. "Because my wife returns things to where they are supposed to be, as well as in clear sight, an unnecessary and stressful argument is avoided," Mike added. Keeping the home stress free is important and a wife having organization skills aids in doing so.

"Its also important to not go from one extreme to another," said Mike. "No one likes a pack rat. Thank God my wife doesn't suffer from hoarder-ism because I find that to be just as irritating as someone who is messy. Organizing means simplicity. So if you like to keep pictures and doodles designate only one or two boxes for those items, please." When paying bills keep it simple too. "Say I pay a bill for February. I file the bill and come March's statement I replace the old with the new so important papers can be found easier," said Lisa, Mike's wife. "What isn't necessary to be kept should be thrown away. Holding onto every receipt and note is, in a way, holding onto the past, and only perpetuates a packed and overwhelming future," Lisa added.
 

My mother always told me that as soon as a bill comes in it's best to pay it right away. However, suprises do happen, as well as sometimes it can be a real rough month financially. Having a seperate calander from appointments to organize important dates, like license renewals and bill cycles, can be helpful when preparing a budget for the months to come. Having a designated spot for new mail also is key so that bills and other important pieces of mail don't get lost.

There is so much to organize; from bills, closets, drawers, and pantrys. I found a great website that has tips, ideas, and other resources to help, check it out:
http://www.hgtv.com/topics/organization/index.html