Wife Skill 4: Negotiation

“If you can’t go around it, over it, or through it, you had better negotiate with it”- Ashleigh Brilliant

" 'till death do you part" can be a rather frustrating promise when your not getting what you want out of the deal. This is where good negotiation skills can save the day. From negotiations around bills to parenting issues, there are many to be made in a marriage, and a successful one can not only provide a solution that is pleasing to both you and your husband, but strengthen your relationship too. Part of what good negotiation skills will help you with is clarifying your rights, desires, and goals in a positive way that will encourage you to be a good self advocate without stubbornly pushing your own ideas on your man.

To better understand the art of negotiation I caught up with marriage and family therapist Jim Wolf. Talking to him helped me to better grasp this very important skill.

"Negotiation in marriage... that means two people working together to find a mutual agreement that is satisfying or acceptable to both. The healthier negotiation is one that is more cooperative than compliance enforced," said Jim.

 I can testify barking orders has never worked for me, and hounding my men hasn't either. Trying to control has only made me lose any I might have had to begin with. In the end, no one got what they wanted or would have been satisfied with. "You can't decide for another person what their gonna do, you can only decide what you are going to do. You can try, but their just gonna sabotage it and bear resentments. In a healthy marriage each person recognizes the other's right to be respected and considered. Being in love is great but that doesn't necessarily make a marriage work; it's about a partnership and a friendship," said Jim.

Some tips for good negotiation:

• Talk with each other, fully listening to one anther's arguments without interrupting.
• Don't blame one another or engage in any "I'm right, your wrong" battles .
• Explore options.
• Be willing to consider the other's opinion and not stubbornly hold on to you own views
• Be honest.
• Take an emotional risk... you may be pleasantly surprised!
• Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever occur to you that??"
• Be open to the possibility that what you negotiated may have to be renegotiated.
• Do your best to separate interest and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity.
• Don't agree to anything you can't commit to.
• Pay close attention to your feelings.
• Have respect for your husbands and your pacing and readiness to make a decision.
• "Make every bargain clear and plain, that none may afterwards complain"- Greek Proverb

Wife Skill 3: Organization

Not to say men are unorganized, but typically they depend on their lady for keeping things neat and in order around the house. "Men are sloppy. After working an eight hour day on the job we don't want to return home only to spend another eight hours looking for something we need around the house," said Mike, a newly married and good friend of mine.


Mike makes a great point that even I can relate to. Many times I have found myself cursing around the house out of frustration because I can't find the pair of pants I've just washed, only to realize an hour or two later my dresser drawers had swallowed them. "Because my wife returns things to where they are supposed to be, as well as in clear sight, an unnecessary and stressful argument is avoided," Mike added. Keeping the home stress free is important and a wife having organization skills aids in doing so.

"Its also important to not go from one extreme to another," said Mike. "No one likes a pack rat. Thank God my wife doesn't suffer from hoarder-ism because I find that to be just as irritating as someone who is messy. Organizing means simplicity. So if you like to keep pictures and doodles designate only one or two boxes for those items, please." When paying bills keep it simple too. "Say I pay a bill for February. I file the bill and come March's statement I replace the old with the new so important papers can be found easier," said Lisa, Mike's wife. "What isn't necessary to be kept should be thrown away. Holding onto every receipt and note is, in a way, holding onto the past, and only perpetuates a packed and overwhelming future," Lisa added.
 

My mother always told me that as soon as a bill comes in it's best to pay it right away. However, suprises do happen, as well as sometimes it can be a real rough month financially. Having a seperate calander from appointments to organize important dates, like license renewals and bill cycles, can be helpful when preparing a budget for the months to come. Having a designated spot for new mail also is key so that bills and other important pieces of mail don't get lost.

There is so much to organize; from bills, closets, drawers, and pantrys. I found a great website that has tips, ideas, and other resources to help, check it out:
http://www.hgtv.com/topics/organization/index.html

Wife Skill 2 : Cooking

It's been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I've yet to find a man who disagrees with that phrase. The preparation, thought, and effort put into a tasty meal can be the most satisfying experience for a husband both physically and emotionally, as well as a rewarding experience for the wife. It all boils down to the fact men like to eat a lot, so it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you are a good cook your man will want to eat dinner with you.

Preparing a home cooked meal provides the opportunity to:

1. Nurture your husband's appetite
2. Engage in conversation
3. Show you have been paying attention to his likes and dis-likes
4. Show your gratitude for him and all he does for you
   
   
5. Get your husband involved in creating something together other than babies
   
   

Returning from work to a home cooked meal is comforting, as well as pleasant change of pace from the order-in take-out most Americans have grown accustomed to. Not only are fast foods incredibly unhealthy and reason enough to cook at home, the quality time missed with your boo while he's stuffing Taco Bell down his throat is just a shame. "Putting a little time in the kitchen goes a long way in the romance department," said Michele, my newly wedded best friend from childhood. "Believe it or not, cooking at home can actually be cheaper than hitting three drive-thrus a day for a week. And if he likes to cook its a great way to bond and have fun too. Because of my husband's schedule we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like. Cooking together is one way we make up for that time," Michele added.

Many wives have exclaimed "What an order, I can't go through with it," but don't be discouraged. There are plenty of simple recipes that even a third grader can follow and not screw up. Keep in mind that men are simple creatures, so don't over complicate the recipes by adding zesty herbs you've never used before. Below is a link to my favorite recipe for roasted chicken, a real husband and crowd pleaser. If I could do it, so can you!

http://www.dianaskitchen.com/page/poultry/roastchk.htm